It appears I like to sit on things for a while… like my first blog post and this one. I have been sitting on this post for over a year… I have set it aside, probably out of fear, that is my arch nemesis these days. In my defense, I sat down last August to write a post under a similar title to the one you see above. I had the post virtually finished. I was editing, and felt confident about what I had written; and then I watched as my computer started deleting the words. One-by -one. I felt like I was a spectator of a Rogue Pacman game; literally each letter and word being chomped one by one by one… until the page was once again BLANK. Maybe that was an omen… perhaps the Universe telling me to slow my roll… because more was to be revealed, as it always is. I look back on that girl, sitting in the coffee shop feverishly writing about what she thought she knew. Time is an interesting goddess, of revelation, evolution, perspective.
That is one of my favorite reminders “more will be revealed”. Some days I want to tell the “more” to go back where it came from, to just LEAVE ME ALONE… it gets overwhelming. I feel like I’m being dragged under water, like all the work I am doing on myself is all for naught and I should just succumb to the perceived ease of saying “EFF IT!” But I have realized that if I do that I am telling my Spirit, I am going to call this God, that I don’t need any help, and that could not be farther from the truth.
So let’s talk God for a second. God… The Big Man in the Sky. The Judge and Jury. The Omniscient, all Knower/All Seer. The Czar of the Heavens… I could go on. But these terms are not how I understand God. In truth, I cannot sum it up what that term “God” means to me in black and white. God is in the birth of my daughter. I was terrified of becoming a mother, yet I just remember as she made her way into this world I felt an overwhelming greater presence, a peace, a clarity and a rush of infinite energy and words came from my mouth as if from somewhere beyond: “give me my baby!” God is in the memory of nursing that baby, feeling her warm face on my breast, nurturing her in a way I didn’t know was possible. God is in being given a second chance and the GIFT of watching that tiny baby grow into the most beautiful girl; full of sass, spirit, sincerity, smarts… and pure love for me, and I for her.
God is in the voice of a friend who is unabashedly truthful, the one who won’t let you get away with your bullshit; that calls you out and asks you questions like “WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHERE IS EMILY IN ALL THIS?” and tells you “I love you enough to let you fall to your bottom”, because she knows that’s the only way. God is in the trees, the sunrise I am witnessing right now. God is in my favorite, albeit really cheap, cup of coffee. God is in song, music speaks to me on a deeply Soul-ular level, in ways that I do not understand. God is in the grief, the overwhelming sense of loss that comes after any form of death, transition; whether it is physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. God is in the resurrection, as well as the rebirth.
I have heard it said by one of my teachers that we are all drops of consciousness in the ocean of the Universe. The “Universe” is God. This intricate connected web of energy that links all beings, and we are all a part of that collective. So I am God. You are God. God is Us. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the voice of God through another human, reminding me to put one foot in front of the other, shifting my perspective, encouraging me to do the next right thing… even when it hurts and I really don’t want to. God is so much. So much more that I have the capacity to understand. But what I have come to realize, what has been revealed, is that I do believe there is a greater power guiding me and that with faith and some surrender, I don’t ever have to do anything alone. Ever. I have been renegotiating my relationship with God intimately over the last few years, and more devoutly over the past 7 months. After my trip to Maui, things shifted. It has taken me a while to catch up, and I am of course “not there yet”, because truthfully… when I get “there” I won’t be “here” anymore!
So that brings us back to speed. Back to the present reality. What is this “renegotiation with my relationship to relationship?”. What does that even mean? I find myself again in a transition, it seems to be par for the course over the last few years. I have been in a constant state of flux, and I am weary. I am tired. I have not slept well over the past few weeks, and so I feel like I am running at about 73% of my normal capacity. Some would argue that this is perhaps a good thing, because I tend to run at a bit of a higher octane than normal humans… I digress. Or maybe I don’t. I AM a high octane individual. Ayurvedically, I have been told I am “Vata deranged” (I love this by the way, I mean it pretty much describes me to a T!) On a very basic level, that means I have an over active thinker. I, and I quote one of my beloved teachers, “have a high intellectual capacity”, to which my ego was like HECK YEAH, I am so way smart (only after I had to clarify WTAF that meant). HA… well perhaps that is the case, but who cares about how “smart” you are if it lends to your demise; and in my case not just my mental demise, but my physical, emotional and spiritual as well. My mind spins around in the ethers, I am easily excitable and learn fast, yet forget just as fast. This probably lends to my addictive personality. I easily forget what works, and fall into the abyss, the void, the freeze… and this is where things begin to spin out of orbit. I attach to things that ground me, things that aren’t “bad” on their own, but when I am in a state of derangement, of attachment, of illusion and fear, I create a vortex of forgetting that the ultimate answer is in that Higher Power I spoke of earlier. I become lost. I don’t know the answers to the questions my God friend asks me “WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHERE IS EMILY IN ALL THIS?” because I have no clue who the hell Emily is. Where did she go? And before you know it I get another nudge from that same persistently Graceful Soul… “I love you enough to let you fall to your bottom”… luckily, for today my bottom doesn’t involve any kind of drugs or alcohol, and a bit less self-flagellation, but it only takes one mind spin… and there I could be again.
This leads me to dissecting bearing witness to how I show up in relationship. So, remember I am high octane. I am BIG. (And before you go about defending me, read on J. )I love hard. I give hard. I work hard. I am passionate, intense, and charismatic. These are assets. I love these parts about me. I have tried to cover them up before and it lands me in that void, that abyss I spoke of briefly. So I know that just is not an option. However, with all of the assets to the BIG, come some liabilities as well. I fall hard. I expect hard. I crash hard. I fear hard. I become afraid of my Big Passionate Self and lose her. I become really self (small self, driven by Ego) aware and try to hide. I become selfish and self-centered yet I struggle to maintain autonomy in relationship, and I lose mySelf. Often times entirely. And I wake up to Hthe tunes of a bunch of: holy crap, how am I here? What did I do wrong this time? I thought I was doing things completely different? Well sis, not so. Fear gets the best of me. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to have to try again. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to face the facts. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I crash, and end up taking others down with me. UGGGGHHH.
I am in no way writing this as a way to downplay my assets, or to recommend that anyone do that, ever… that is lunacy. My assets are my values, the things about me that are big and bold and fierce; the things that draw people to me. What I am doing, is learning what it means to have Faith. How by having Faith, I can truly embark upon having an intimate relationship with these BIG parts of myself and utilize them in the greater scheme of this life. THEN integrating them into relationship with others…. With my daughter, my family, my friends, my students, and eventually with a partner. I am growing up in public. The reality is I am at a petulant child stage in that growth, think 3 year old with a very over active mind. And let me just say for the record (again) it’s hard, for me and for others who are in relationship with me. I am changing. I am growing. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It is messy and confusing and dark and brilliant and honest and vulnerable. Most of the time all at once.
So many relationships… so many places to heal. So many people to honor and love. I’m so grateful for my journey and all the relationships I have encountered along the way.
To my daughter: You see Me. You hold an infinite wisdom in those bold eyes and I am so honored to be your momma.
For my family (who love me, whether they understand me or not): I honor and admire you for that, and I will keep going to be the Emmy Kay that I am meant to be.
For my best friend who has become my pillar of wisdom, the one who know me better than I know myself: You are a gift from the Universal Consciousness, from God. I love you.
To those who have been my support humans: You have taught me how to receive. What a gift… I thank you.
For my path in recovery: Thank you for reminding me to get out of my cheap ass self and do the next right thing, and teaching me about Faith. I’ll keep showing up.
For those who I have lost in relationship: Thank you for being a part of my journey, for sharing yourself and helping me to heal in ways that are still being revealed. I will continue to do my best to amend what I know to be damaging in order to show up as best I can in relationship to others.
To my students/fellow travelers: Thank you for teaching me how to be a human… for showing up every day, however that looks, and trusting the process as it unfolds.
To God: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you for the gift of life, love and all the things that come with it!
To mySelf: You are big and passionate and intense and perhaps a little “cooky” at times. But I love you. Keep over–accessorizing and wearing really bright colors that maybe don’t match all the time, and singing and laughing really loudly at the worst possible moments… keep learning and sharing about what you love… Keep loving BIG. Yep, it’s gonna hurt, just as it has before, but it’s so worth it. Keep your head up in the clouds, a fire in your belly and your feet planted firmly on the ground… you’re well on your way.
…And perhaps another blog will manifest without too much sit time between!