I have been sitting on this “blog” for some time now. I have held it back, word vomitted in my journal, written bits and pieces on facebook and instagram. I call those social media snipits “vulnerability bait”… they dangle on the end of the metaphoric hook. To see if my soul is ready. To essentially “armour up” against the possible rejection or negation I may experience in response; my ego doesn’t want that, no way I will pass. This behaviour tends to be my go-to hiding place, give others what they want to see and hear with a little bit of raw and then you can rest within their validation and acceptance… I am human, it is a human thing to do. But I am over it.
Beyond over it. I woke up this morning to my tiny angel human singing “you are my sunshine”, as has become her habit. She is all stardust, and unicorns farts, and leprechaun gold, and God embodied on this very earthy earth; I don’t know what I ever did before knowing her. Oh right, I lived in soul sucking fear and egoism. There was a point, in the not so distant past, when I believed in the depths of my humanity that I was going to damage her; I was absolutely not worthy of her love, or anyone else’s. I was so lost. I was so dark. I was surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me deeply, I had a life that was logically everything I could have ever wanted, but I was so incomprehensibly lonely and empty. No one knew. I didn’t want them to. I don’t know that I knew. I certainly didn’t want to have to admit that I had “issues”, that I was the problem. I kept on “trying everything I could” to be “happy”; except what I needed to do, deep soul WORK, deep love WORK, deep acceptance WORK, HUMILITY… WORK. I was going to “try”, to put on the mask, the armour, the smile and the “try” would be good enough. Trying isn’t enough. It’s when we quit trying and start doing; sometimes falling into a really deep-dark-hole and then hitting the bottom where everything breaks, before we are ready to accept. Today I am grateful that my break didn’t lead to death.
This month marks my 2nd year sober. Sobriety/Recovery What do those words mean? I answer this question a lot. Basics: Yes, I choose not to drink or participate in any other form of mind or mood altering shenanigans (one day at a time). No, I am not going to give you a momma lecture/shame you/claw out your eyes if you drink or participate in any other forms of mind or mood alterning shenanigans (at least not today, ok maybe I slip here but it is because I love you and am also a recovering co-dependent). I am involved in support groups where I have learned tools that have changed my life (everyday). With these tools, I work to “recover” parts of my soul that I have left here and there along my personal journey.
[Before I turned inward, had a serious spiritual and psychic change and did work to recognize when my ego was getting in the fucking way,] I turned to work-aholism, I turned to yoga, I turned to vegetarianism, to perfectionism, to exercise, to other humans, to desperately trying to fix those other humans; I lashed out, I DEEPLY hurt those who loved me, I ran away, I ate a lot, I didn’t eat anything, I drank, I didn’t drink, I drank a lot, I did drugs that-could-have-killed-me-but-it-didn’t-matter-because-I-had-lost-my-will-to-live-and-didn’t-even-know-it.
And then I almost lost my “sunshine”. STOP.
No more bullshit. No more running, hiding, blaming, trying. I learned how important it was to take suggestions, to do what I was told to do even when I didn’t want to, to have faith. It was chaos, yes. I did things wrong, yes. I created wreckage, yes. I was stubborn, yes. I began to learn how to love and be loved, yes. I embraced the yes. The mess. The change and shift and pain and lonliness. Truth. Trust. And I am still learning about this today. What was working a month ago may not be working today. More will be revealed if I am open to growth.
I must make sure that I emphasize that all of this is mine. I do not blame ANYONE. I had a family who did the absolute best they could and loved me growing up (and still love me now). I had a husband who did the best he could to love me. I had friends who loved me the very best they could. I have been surrounded by the love of others, I am so very grateful. What I was lacking was a love of myself. Compassion for myself. Empathy for myself. Acceptance of myself. All of which comes from an intimate relationship with myself, the God of my understanding and continuous work.
Reach out. Connect. Ask for help. Don’t let your soul die. Don’t let your heart die. It’s not easy. It’s messy and real and sometimes you have to fake it to get to the real it and work and be tired as hell and break and yell and cuss and cry and breathe. Find others who you can work with. Don’t pick up their load, but work right alongside them. Build a tribe. Be willing to leave some on their own paths. Keep growing. One vulnerable blog post at a time.